Staying Home

Quite a few years ago, in the days of little Joshie and Sophie, I stepped out on our way to church to find that our water heater had flooded our garage.  With Kevin at work saving people’s lives, I knew the task was mine to save the garage. A neighbor soon knocked on our door offering his assistance.  He told me he was concerned when he still saw my minivan parked in the driveway at 9:15 am on a Sunday morning.  That taught me a valuable lesson: never skip church, because the neighbors ARE watching. (or at least have the sense to pull my car into the garage) Well, twice a year we get to legitimately skip going to church.  Our church holds a broadcasted General Conference, which translates, we get to stay in our pajamas all day long and watch church on tv!  Honestly, they are the best two Sundays of the entire year!!  Yes, the talks from our church leaders are awesome, but isn’t everything more awesome when you’re in your pajamas? They are always held the first weekends in April and October.  Last year, we were in Salt Lake City for both.  In April we had scrapped our Washington DC plans, and traveled to SLC instead to be with family after Kevin’s recent diagnosis.  In October we returned to bury him.  In my mind, General Conference has become “book ends” - marking the beginning and the ending and the incredible everything that happened in between.  

So what are we doing this Conference weekend?  We are staying home.  We’ll be watching conference and thinking about Kevin; but it will be extra nice to think about him because we will be wearing our pajamas.  And I’ll make sure I pull my minivan into the garage.  

Milestones

Milestones.  Events that mark a significant change.  Kidney stones.  A hard mass formed in the kidneys.  Miles apart in meaning; but both can be painful to pass. 

Today marks 6 months.  Odd to think we have been without Kevin the same number of months he was ill.  Not sure which 6 months felt longer; guess it depends if you ask me, or Kevin.  Since September 20th, we have been hitting some big milestones pretty fast.  The first one was three days later to be exact.  We celebrated Ben’s 10th birthday at the beach the night before Kevin’s funeral.  Then came Sam’s 8th birthday and baptism.  Survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, but what I dreaded most was that special holiday in February . . .President’s Day.  We are so passionate about George and Abe that every year we celebrate their births with a ski vacation.  Kevin loves this vacation.  We escape to the Utah ski slopes where we spend our days skiing and our nights recovering.  Kevin is infamous for his ski lift interviews.  Any one who has the pleasure of riding the lift with Kevin also has the pleasure of a video camera in their face.  That night we would watch the video and laugh and holler at Kevin for his ridiculous footage which usually showed more sky or snow than skiiers.  

Fortunately, we have friends who really liked Kevin, and kind of like the rest of us, who invited us for a President’s Day ski weekend.  Three days of skiing, snowmobiling, sledding, ping ponging, eating, playing, and very little sleeping - My kids loved it.  Kevin would have loved it.  I imagined Kevin with the video camera.  And even though there was still a lot of snow and sky, I know his eyes were on us - watching me drive his big manly truck in the snow, and his four kids carving (& falling) down the ski slopes; and I know we made him happy because we were doing something he loved.  

Looking ahead to the next 6 months, we have some big milestones.  And though feeling a little apprehensive, I need to remember, that just like kidney stones, “this too shall pass.”

Celebrating Ben's birthday with a new board and Uncle Andrew
September 23, 2011

Sam's baptism performed by his big brother Josh
November 5, 2011

Sophie rhino riding & dirt biking with cousins in St. George
Thanksgiving 2011

Temple Square Christmas lights in Salt Lake City
Christmas 2011

President's Day ski trip in Brian Head, Utah
February 2012
(also pictured: my 4th son, Tanner Maready)

SUPER Premium

One of the stark realities of losing a spouse is the weight of feeling like now you’re IT - you’re all your kids have. This feeling prompts you to invest in life insurance; enough life insurance that your kids won’t burden someone else, but not enough that they will be tempted to kill you. Part of the application process includes a physical; nothing alarming expected.  In fact, it was predicted that due to my “good Mormon living” I would most likely achieve “premium status.” When the home visit EMT strapped my arm in the blood pressure cuff, pieces of a conversation I had with my dad about “failing a blood pressure test and needing to take a prescription to help lower it before taking another blood pressure test” flooded my mind.  I started to panic.  I tried deep breathing and calm thoughts.  The lady looked at me very strangely.  Trying not to break into a sweat, I asked her if anything was the matter.  She said, “Is your blood pressure usually this low?”  I didn’t have the heart (ha) or the desire to tell her that my heart had recently been broken, and was actually quite relieved with the news that it was still in fact beating . however slowly.  Well, my slow beating heart and my good Mormon living earned me not “premium” status, but “SUPER premium” status! I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Here are a few of my super premium secrets. 

I DO NOT:

1. drink alcohol
2. smoke, chew, or like the smell of tobacco
3. use, nor ever did use,  any of Kevin’s fentinyl lollipops
4. drink caffeine, unless it’s diet and served over pellet ice
5. exercise, except walking my kids to school in my pajamas
6. go to bed without first having a bowl of icecream
7. stand in front of the microwave
8. own an iphone
9. snore
10. text and drive (duh)

Oh, it’s wonderful to be me.  Now I can look in the mirror, past what is staring back at me, and think about how I look from the inside . . and I look SUPER premium.