Two Years

Believe it or not, tomorrow will be two years since Kevin passed away.  Last month, I had a nephew finish his two years of missionary service in Arcadia, California.  At an open house celebrating his return home, a guest commented, “I can’t believe how fast those two years went!”  I couldn’t even politely pretend to agree with her.  The only thing that has gone fast for me the past two years is my sanity.

There has definitely been a lot of change over two years.  I am now the mother of a college student, a 16 year old driver who wears make up instead of braces, a confident middle schooler, and a baby who is turning ten years old.  The most recent (and painful) adjustment has been Josh venturing out into the dangerous world of Provo, Utah.  Just as I was getting used to only five people around the dinner table, or five piles of folded laundry; I find myself once again mourning the empty spots.  

But reflecting on the past two years, many things have remained the same.  We still live in our beautiful house in San Clemente, that thanks to kind hearted neighbors and friends remains intact, clean, and functioning.  The treehouse Kevin built in our front yard is still visited daily by little explorers, and miraculously, all of Kevin’s koi are still alive, despite my complete negligence.  The love and support of a community continues, and is deeply felt in our home and in our hearts; although the depth of my gratitude seems to have increased.  Most importantly, we remain in awe of the love the Lord has for our family and the amazing healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  

 I am especially grateful for the vivid memories we have of Kevin; which makes us miss him all the more.  People frequently comment to my children - “You look just like your dad!”  I’m used to it.  My contributions are all under appreciated and unnoticed when they flash their Hegewald smiles.  I have resigned myself to the role of creating a happy and positive life so each of them have sufficient reason to use their smiles often.  When they smile, I see the best of Kevin’s legacy:  his children, and his smile.  

In memory of Kevin tomorrow, I hope you will smile, and dedicate one of your smiles to him.  It’s a simple thing; but someone whom I love and miss demonstrated what a powerful thing it can be.  

The Hegewalds are about to embark on another two year adventure, as Josh will be opening his mission call next week to see where he will have the opportunity to serve and love for the next two years. (The letter is sitting sealed on my fireplace mantle anxiously awaiting Josh’s arrival next weekend.)  I can only hope and pray that I will be able to say on his return, “I can’t believe how fast those two years went!”  

Sending you my sincerest smile,

abby

I was inspired this week when I watched, “Hope for Hegewald,” the touching video Walker Boyes made of the San Clemente youth honoring Kevin.  If you haven't seen it, watch it - it will make you cry & smile.  

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AI50236nVWw

One Year

I am President of an elite secret society.  Elite, due to our membership being fewer than ten; secret, due to the fact that we don’t have a name nor a purpose.  What we do share is an acute awareness when the 20th of each month rolls around.  My sister-in-law, Jenni, is a member. She is ever so cognizant of the date because she has been marking the milestones of her family’s latest addition, Amelia, born September 20, 2011.  Last year, Sam found comfort in the visual that Uncle Kevin and little Amelia “slapped five” on his departure from and her arrival to the world.  While I have been marking each month as one more month survived, Jenni has been marking the monthly milestones of sitting, crawling, eating, walking, and talking.  I think we would both agree that the past year feels like a blink.  Jenni blinked and probably wonders where her little baby disappeared and when this moving, babbling, little human being appeared.  I blinked and wondered how it possibly could have been one year ago when I still feel as broken as it were just yesterday.  However, there are signs that healing is taking place. Someone finally removed the cinder blocks that were attached to my legs and I’m actually able to run again.  Much like Amelia, I’m still babbling, but I’m moving.

One of the themes from this past year has been, “What was I thinking??” Top of the list, obviously, is two funerals.  Please, no one ever attempt to do that.  Seriously, just don’t.   A smaller one was attending a pressure cooker cooking class, only 3 weeks after Kevin passed away. That was wrong on so many levels, foremost being I didn’t even know what a pressure cooker was.  Purchasing tickets for the five of us to see Wicked during Christmas break seemed like a fabulous idea to create a memorable and uplifting experience.  Turned out Kevin joined us.  Unfortunately, he was sitting right on my chest because I was unable to breath for 2 1/2 hours.  The most recent “what was I thinking?” happened on Monday night during Family Home Evening. Earlier that morning when I got back from a run (yes, read that sentence again with great awe), I sat down and wrote a list of 26 things I have learned from the last year. I thought with the one year mark just a few days away, this would be a great way for my family to reflect back on the past year and hopefully see some of the positive lessons we’ve learned.  Now how this exercise played in my head and how it went down were two different things.  That evening, I pulled out the big white board ready to write down the list of all the things my kids would share, and instead, all I heard were four heart broken children sobbing because their dad was gone.  I added one more item to my lessons learned list:  It might take a life time for my children to see the positive effects of such a devastating experience. For a 17, 15, 10, and 8 year old, all that has been learned came at much too great a cost.  I threw out my list and joined my children in their sorrow.  Lessons such as “Life is unfair” and “Crying doesn’t always make you feel better” don’t need to be written down. When I hugged each of my children that night, I thought about how blessed I am.  I am grateful that I know the Atonement heals, the Spirit comforts, and the Lord provides.  I am grateful for the four little people who gave me a reason to get out of bed every day for the past 365 days.  And now, I am grateful that we survived September 20th, which started with an inspired rainbow and ended with a fabulous sunset.  For those of you in my secret society, and for those of you who are not, thank you - thank you for remembering.

Probable Cause Rocks Again!

When I met Kevin I was teaching 5th grade in an inner city school in Salt Lake.  I was assigned a class of what outsiders would consider the products of the derelicts and rejects of society.  My only survival skill was crying.  But then I started hitting the bars at night.  Too bad I didn’t drink.  I was there as a loyal “Probable Cause” groupie.  I’d nurse a diet coke and let “Miss Cannon” slip away as I watched Kevin tear it up on the electric guitar. 

“Probable Cause” was an American boys dream: start a band with your friends in your garage, enter the “Battle of the Bands,” win the “Battle of the Bands,” then have people pay you to do something that you would do for free.  “Probable Cause” had the hearts of heavy rockers, but the looks of an 80’s boys band.  As a groupie, I became familiar with the 80's covers play list and the looks of the girls with the big fluffy hair dancing closest to the stage. 

Then Kevin decided to grow up and go to medical school.  Well, one of those two goals.  At his final gig playing for a high school Prom, the Probable Cause band members saluted Kevin and dedicated the next song to me:  Social Distortion’s “Ball and Chain.”  “Take away, take away, take away this ball and chain.”  Yep.  I was Yoko Ono: the girl responsible for breaking up the band. I guess their song choice could have been worse; REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” and AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” were both songs in their line up.  I’ve since forgiven them, and looks like they’ve forgiven me too, because . .

Probable Cause is getting back together to perform a benefit concert as a tribute to Kevin!  My kids are seriously concerned what the band will look like and sound like.  I said, “Oh come on! Think of Dad on the guitar - he’d look cool, right?”  Their silence confirmed that time has slowly erased the memory of their dad being able to pull off “cool.”  But if you’re in the Salt Lake area on October 12th, come and check out the band that rocked my world.  And who knows, maybe Kevin will make a guest appearance on the guitar.  Now THAT would rock!

Check out the facebook page event: Hegepalooza

http://www.facebook.com/events/440011322716989/

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Faking It

Every Monday morning I start my day helping little people check out books from the school library.  A couple of weeks ago, Sam’s teacher pulled me aside and said, “Can I ask you a question? You seem to be doing remarkably well, and I wanted to know . . are you really doing that well, or are you just faking it?”  Without any hesitation the words, “Oh, I’m faking it” flew from my mouth. Honestly, despite it being perhaps one of my “most real” moments, I’ve felt badly about it ever since. (Well, I’ve felt badly about it whenever I’m not laughing about it.)  When it comes to really faking it, I should receive an Oscar for my “I am totally capable of flying across the country with my four children for a week in DC” and (here’s the clincher) “It’s fun!!”  

We had the most amazing trip to Washington DC. for Spring Break.  I took 85 pictures in 5 days, which is nothing compared to my sister’s 385, but a whole lot more than the pictures Kevin came home with in 1992.  We were newly married and Kevin went back to DC to interview for a medical school spot at George Washington University.  After a weekend in the city, he returned home with FOUR pictures - one of the couple allowing him to sleep on their couch, and three of “the biggest squirrels” (according to Kevin) he had ever seen. He claims he saw them on the grassy mall.  I told him that story would be much more convincing had he chosen to perhaps include one of the national monuments in the background.  

Well, now we have photos to include of all of the national monuments.  And we experienced so much more.  Here are a few of our highlights:

Witnessed a live action event at Colonial Williamsburg - runaway horses pulling a buggy with the driver yelling, “MOVE! MOVE! These horses aren’t stopping!!”

Rode insane roller coasters at Busch Gardens

Flew through space in the Hubble 3D movie at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  Josh fell sound asleep, exhausted from our late nights, and woke up distraught that he had slept through the most interesting thing of the day

Was drawn to tears in Ford’s Theatre

By the 3rd Smithsonian, had the kids bored to tears

On Easter Sunday, attended Catholic mass, in Latin, in Chinatown

Illegally touched the Ronald Reagan statue in the US Capitol, only after the encouragement from our awesome tour guide, Michael - “You only live once”

Observed Monets from a distance after being told there was to be “NO PHYSICAL INTERACTION WITH THE ART”

Spent as much time in the National Gallery of Art gift shop as we spent in the museum

Took on secret identities at the International Spy Museum

Performed baptisms in the Washington DC temple

Devoured TLC famous “DC Cupcakes”

Observed the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier with reverence.  Then spent the rest of the day trying to imitate the guard’s walk.

Saw the wonder of the Lincoln Monument at night (and the Vietnam wall, Korean War memorial, and WWII memorial), only to have them completely upstaged by 3 baby foxes frolicking in the grass. . . .Which brings me full circle.  Foxes.  Giant Squirrels.  I agree with Kevin - there is a lot more to DC than just the monuments.  

Best part of DC: Being with GG and cousins

Staying Home

Quite a few years ago, in the days of little Joshie and Sophie, I stepped out on our way to church to find that our water heater had flooded our garage.  With Kevin at work saving people’s lives, I knew the task was mine to save the garage. A neighbor soon knocked on our door offering his assistance.  He told me he was concerned when he still saw my minivan parked in the driveway at 9:15 am on a Sunday morning.  That taught me a valuable lesson: never skip church, because the neighbors ARE watching. (or at least have the sense to pull my car into the garage) Well, twice a year we get to legitimately skip going to church.  Our church holds a broadcasted General Conference, which translates, we get to stay in our pajamas all day long and watch church on tv!  Honestly, they are the best two Sundays of the entire year!!  Yes, the talks from our church leaders are awesome, but isn’t everything more awesome when you’re in your pajamas? They are always held the first weekends in April and October.  Last year, we were in Salt Lake City for both.  In April we had scrapped our Washington DC plans, and traveled to SLC instead to be with family after Kevin’s recent diagnosis.  In October we returned to bury him.  In my mind, General Conference has become “book ends” - marking the beginning and the ending and the incredible everything that happened in between.  

So what are we doing this Conference weekend?  We are staying home.  We’ll be watching conference and thinking about Kevin; but it will be extra nice to think about him because we will be wearing our pajamas.  And I’ll make sure I pull my minivan into the garage.  

Milestones

Milestones.  Events that mark a significant change.  Kidney stones.  A hard mass formed in the kidneys.  Miles apart in meaning; but both can be painful to pass. 

Today marks 6 months.  Odd to think we have been without Kevin the same number of months he was ill.  Not sure which 6 months felt longer; guess it depends if you ask me, or Kevin.  Since September 20th, we have been hitting some big milestones pretty fast.  The first one was three days later to be exact.  We celebrated Ben’s 10th birthday at the beach the night before Kevin’s funeral.  Then came Sam’s 8th birthday and baptism.  Survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, but what I dreaded most was that special holiday in February . . .President’s Day.  We are so passionate about George and Abe that every year we celebrate their births with a ski vacation.  Kevin loves this vacation.  We escape to the Utah ski slopes where we spend our days skiing and our nights recovering.  Kevin is infamous for his ski lift interviews.  Any one who has the pleasure of riding the lift with Kevin also has the pleasure of a video camera in their face.  That night we would watch the video and laugh and holler at Kevin for his ridiculous footage which usually showed more sky or snow than skiiers.  

Fortunately, we have friends who really liked Kevin, and kind of like the rest of us, who invited us for a President’s Day ski weekend.  Three days of skiing, snowmobiling, sledding, ping ponging, eating, playing, and very little sleeping - My kids loved it.  Kevin would have loved it.  I imagined Kevin with the video camera.  And even though there was still a lot of snow and sky, I know his eyes were on us - watching me drive his big manly truck in the snow, and his four kids carving (& falling) down the ski slopes; and I know we made him happy because we were doing something he loved.  

Looking ahead to the next 6 months, we have some big milestones.  And though feeling a little apprehensive, I need to remember, that just like kidney stones, “this too shall pass.”

Celebrating Ben's birthday with a new board and Uncle Andrew
September 23, 2011

Sam's baptism performed by his big brother Josh
November 5, 2011

Sophie rhino riding & dirt biking with cousins in St. George
Thanksgiving 2011

Temple Square Christmas lights in Salt Lake City
Christmas 2011

President's Day ski trip in Brian Head, Utah
February 2012
(also pictured: my 4th son, Tanner Maready)

SUPER Premium

One of the stark realities of losing a spouse is the weight of feeling like now you’re IT - you’re all your kids have. This feeling prompts you to invest in life insurance; enough life insurance that your kids won’t burden someone else, but not enough that they will be tempted to kill you. Part of the application process includes a physical; nothing alarming expected.  In fact, it was predicted that due to my “good Mormon living” I would most likely achieve “premium status.” When the home visit EMT strapped my arm in the blood pressure cuff, pieces of a conversation I had with my dad about “failing a blood pressure test and needing to take a prescription to help lower it before taking another blood pressure test” flooded my mind.  I started to panic.  I tried deep breathing and calm thoughts.  The lady looked at me very strangely.  Trying not to break into a sweat, I asked her if anything was the matter.  She said, “Is your blood pressure usually this low?”  I didn’t have the heart (ha) or the desire to tell her that my heart had recently been broken, and was actually quite relieved with the news that it was still in fact beating . however slowly.  Well, my slow beating heart and my good Mormon living earned me not “premium” status, but “SUPER premium” status! I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Here are a few of my super premium secrets. 

I DO NOT:

1. drink alcohol
2. smoke, chew, or like the smell of tobacco
3. use, nor ever did use,  any of Kevin’s fentinyl lollipops
4. drink caffeine, unless it’s diet and served over pellet ice
5. exercise, except walking my kids to school in my pajamas
6. go to bed without first having a bowl of icecream
7. stand in front of the microwave
8. own an iphone
9. snore
10. text and drive (duh)

Oh, it’s wonderful to be me.  Now I can look in the mirror, past what is staring back at me, and think about how I look from the inside . . and I look SUPER premium.  

Today, I laughed

My children know that there are certain things mom does not do.  Mom does not act silly.  Mom does not do extreme sports.  And Mom does not ride rollercoasters.  Yet once a year when Mom escapes for 3 days with 5 of her best friends from High School, they are forced to conclude that it’s not that Mom can’t do those things, she just chooses not to.  I come home not only with pretty toenails and stories of icecream and late night movies, but outrageous details of off road mountain biking, hiking in Zion’s National Park, cave spelunking at night wearing headlamps, and skiing black diamond slopes. And it doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, we laugh.  A lot.  The participants are all delighted with the evolution of the girls trip.  Long gone are the days that we left short novels of typed agendas for our husbands to follow.  A post it note with emergency numbers now suffices. With Kevin it didn’t ever really matter how many instructions I left. He did what all moms fantasize of doing - throwing out all scheduled activities, including school.  He would load up the kids and the next phone call I received would be from the middle of a Joshua Tree campground.  But last year Kevin had different plans.  He informed me moments before stepping out the door for my three days of freedom that he was going in for a little “procedure” to investigate why his back hurt so badly.  He assured me that he could drive himself, no anesthesia was involved, and yes, he would be home before the kids got home from school.  Three days later when I walked back in the door feeling “recharged,” my life changed forever.  Kevin told me that the “procedure” was in fact a biopsy which confirmed the cancer had returned.  First reaction - livid.  I was so upset that he had withheld this information from me and so guilt ridden (2nd reaction) that he had carried the burden of this news privately for 3 days. (3rd reaction - devastated)  I soon recognized that allowing me to go on that girls trip was perhaps one of the kindest and most unselfish things Kevin ever did for me.  It might have been the last time I laughed.

So now it’s time again for the annual girls trip. My mom flew in to watch my kids so I could escape to . . .Disneyland!  I suppose my friends thought a new widow and “the happiest place on earth” was a good combination(?)  Knowing my fear of rollercoasters, Ben asked me, “What are YOU going to do?”  I wasn’t worried.  I am very happy waiting and watching others torture themselves.  A day at Disneyland without children? There was no whining, crying, complaining, or “how much longer?”  There were still probably just as many restroom stops, but no one needed to be reminded to wash their hands.  We were indifferent to the length of lines as conversations remained uninterrupted whether standing, waiting, walking, or even riding.  The finale of the day was to be Space Mountain.  There was no pressure, prodding, teasing, or begging from my friends to join them.  Only acceptance.  I wouldn’t have expected anything different.  These are the same friends who I can honestly say never put me in a situation I didn’t want to be in during the tumultuous years of high school.  Maybe that’s why I decided to join them.  Maybe I didn’t want to sit through Captain EO again while I was waiting. Maybe I had a momentary lapse of good judgement.  Whatever the reason, I climbed aboard.  The ride started and the scream that escaped my throat could hardly be described as human. When I stopped screaming just long enough to take a breath I heard the friend sitting next to me say, “this is actually kind of fun.” “Could this actually be fun?” I wondered . .right before the ride catapulted into louder, darker, and faster.  The ride is all one big black and white blur.  I vaguely recall profanity flying from my lips but either it was absorbed by the deafening noise of the ride or my friends were laughing too hysterically to hear it because they made no mention of it.  I survived and emerged triumphant - my children’s hero. 

I can’t think of better friends to ride Space Mountain with. Together we’ve survived and supported one another through a lot of ups and downs - disappointments, divorce, the loss of a parent, a child, and most recently, a spouse.  These are the friends who flew in for Kevin’s funeral, then packed up all of the photos and Kevin paraphernalia, and took it all back to display in Salt Lake City for the repeat performance.  They embody the very best qualities, but the thing I appreciate and love the very most about them . . .they make me laugh.  Maya Angelou said, “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry.”  Not me.  I hope to laugh much, much more than I cry.  Stepping off that rollercoaster, I knew I had achieved what I thought to be impossible a year ago. . . .I laughed.  

Sheer Terror

Dear Abby

Today marks 5 months since the day Kevin left us.  The top question asked is: (head tilt) "How are you?"  The 2nd top question asked is: "Are you going to write the blog anymore?"

Honestly, the blog to me served a purpose - to keep friends updated on Kevin’s situation and to spare me the pain of having to repeat the details over and over.  But it became much more than that for me.  I discovered that writing about something that was breaking my heart, was actually helping to heal it. I’d love to keep writing - I just don’t know what I’d write about.  But a thought occurred to me last week . . . .

My parents thought ahead when they named me “Abby Cannon.”  That name provided some of the best campaign slogans in my running for office years.  There was the successful: “For a year with a BIG  BANG - Vote Abby CANNON” (6th grade school President - ka-boom) And the not so successful: “I just flew in from the ABBY” (cheerleader tryouts dressed as a flying nun) Although that one wasn’t the campaign slogan nearly as much as my inability to turn a straight cartwheel.  But the best one? “Dear Abby, Who should I vote for 8th grade Historian?  Signed, Uncertain.  Dear Uncertain, Abby Cannon of course!”  That one was sheer genius.  I have endearing memories of “Dear Abby” for several reasons.  On the night Kevin proposed to me he sang me John Prine’s song “Dear Abby” with his guitar.

“Dear Abby, Dear Abby . .

You won’t believe this

But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss

My girlfriend tells me it’s all in my head

But my stomach tells me to write you instead

Signed Noise-maker

Noise-maker, Noise-maker

You have no complaint

You are what you are, and you ain’t what you ain’t

So listen up Buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood”

Total classic.  He sang 3-4 verses and then wrote his own lyrics for the finale.  I wasn’t sure if I was saying yes to a rock star or a cowboy.  

SO. . this all has a purpose . . . Post a comment or send me an email (abbyhegewald@gmail.com)addressed to Dear Abby with a question that you would like answered about what life is like for the Hegewalds without Kevin. This will give me something to write about, as well as fulfilling a secret fantasy of writing an advice column. (not really) So, here’s your chance to ask that question you haven’t dared ask.  Just remember, there are no stupid questions.  Only stupid answers.  

Signed, abby

Pictures Worth a 1000 Words

I love this picture, and look at those amazing white flowers

Favorite picture of the day - Sam loves his dad

"Sweet is the peace the gospel brings"

Kevin's treehouse - a boy's paradise

It's not a party without shaved ice

Salt Lake City Cemetery - September 30, 2011

Love my kids.  Love the sunflowers.  Love Kevin.

A highlight - white pigeons released in honor of Kevin

Pigeons soaring to U2's "Beautiful Day"

And it was a beautiful day.

Hope

Hello to my curious followers.  I assume that if you are reading this you just clicked on the blog out of habit, or for old times sake, kind of like me calling Kevin’s phone just to hear his voicemail.  People have asked me if I was going to continue the blog, and I still don’t know.  It really was about Kevin’s journey, with all of us tagging along, and if I were to continue I’d have to change the blog name to: “This Mountain IS Too High.” However, I would like to share some memorial service highlights, as well as post the amazing DVD of Kevin’s life . . .but in the mean time, I’ve made an interesting discovery that I wanted to share (with the 3 of you reading this).  Sometimes I would write blog entries that I never posted.  The following is one of them.

My good friend Susie sent me a decorative letter “H” for my birthday.  That
“H” can represent a lot of things.  Obviously Hegewald. A name we will forever have to spell to others. But when I look at that “H” displayed by our family portrait, I think of Hope. Hope has had a special place in my heart, and near my heart, throughout this challenge.  My sister-in-law, Christy, gave me a necklace with the word hope. I love it and I wear it constantly.  I take it off at night, but part of my brush my teeth morning routine includes putting my hope back on.  What it stands for changes.  Somedays, I hope for healing.  Others, I hope for comfort.  Mostly, I hope for understanding.  Not only do I wear hope near my heart, but I wear it on my wrist.  The “Hope for Hegewald” bands were the most amazing and inspired gift ever.  This is the first time I have mentioned them on the blog, because honestly, they created such a fashion craze, I didn’t want anyone feeling excluded from wearing a little hope on their own wrist.  The bands were thought of by our neighbor Kelly, our church’s Young Women’s President, and designed by a few young ladies. Do you want to know why they are blue and green?  Kelly asked Sophie Kevin’s favorite color and she said blue.  She asked me and I said green. (Sophie was right) When I look at the blue and green, it’s perfect for Kevin because it makes me think of green mountains in blue skies.  Kelly first ordered 400, to be given to all of the youth in our church.  Kevin teaches and works with the 16-18 year old boys (young men really) in our church and they hold a very special place in Kevin’s heart. With friends, and parents, and leaders, of those youth wanting their own bands, a second order for 400 more was quickly placed and slowly received, literally, on a slow boat from China.  The reach of the “Hope for Hegewald” bands has been amazing.  I catch glimpses of blue and green on the wrists of church friends, neighbors, hospital coworkers, school class friends, Vista del Mar staff members and teachers, soccer friends, dear friends, friends we didn’t know were our friends. We sent bands to parents, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews.  I doubt Kelly knew what the effects would be of such a band. It definitely is an outward expression of support, unity, and faith in hope.  What she probably doesn’t know is it became an amazing conduit to opening up discussions for my children during those first awkward weeks of Kevin’s diagnosis.  When asked about the band, they were able to say, “it says Hope for Hegewald - because my dad has cancer.”  It’s an awful thing to say, but it’s a much more awful thing to keep inside and not say at all.  Kelly, I am forever grateful.  It has been my constant companion for the past 5 1/2 months.

Now here’s my discovery:

I have become a student of Hope.  I figured if I was wearing it, I’d better understand it.  Bruce R. McConkie states, “Hope is the desire of faithful people to gain eternal salvation in the kingdom of God hereafter.  It is not a flimsy, ethereal desire, one without assurance that the desired consummation will be received, but a desire coupled with full expectation of receiving the coveted reward.”  What?@!  All of the sudden these “Hope for Hegewald” bands took on new meaning . . .what exactly were we hoping for here?  There have been 1,000 of Kevin’s best friends wearing “Hope for Hegewald” bands, who like me, have been hoping for a lot of things - peace, comfort, understanding, a miracle.   Did we inadvertently petition the Lord for something even greater than these? . .the “coveted reward” of  eternal life? The prophet Mormon states, “And what is it that ye shall hope for?  Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.” (Moroni 7:41) I know that Kevin is one step closer to receiving eternal life. He was righteous, he was obedient, he was faithful, he endured to the end.

So, what are you going to do with your “Hope for Hegewald” band?  It would be ok to take it off and tuck it in a drawer.  Then one day when you stumble upon it you will be reminded of the part you played in helping Kevin achieve life’s greatest hope.  As for me?  I’m keeping mine on.  It reminds me of the AMAZING love and support of friends; and when my own time comes to return home,  I can only hope that I have as many friends petitioning on my behalf that I, too, am deserving of HOPE.  

This is the HOPE!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AI50236nVWw&feature=colike

Brother Hegewald lives on... through the faces of his children, through the faces of the youth he so deeply affected.

This video was made by Walker Boyes and the youth of the San Clemente Stake.

We love you, Kevin.

Memorial Services

We invite all to attend the services honoring Kevin Hegewald...

San Clemente Memorial Service 

Saturday, Sept. 24th

11:00 am 

San Clemente Stake Center

310 Avenida Vista Montana

San Clemente, CA 92673

Viewing from 9:00 am - 10: 30 am.

Open House to celebrate Kevin 

2-4 p.m. 

Hegewald's backyard

(If you need the address, please email autumn.mcalpin@gmail.com)

**Donations: In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to the Kevin Hegewald Memorial Fund, which you may submit at any Bank of America -OR- you may mail a check to Abby made out to the "Kevin Hegewald Memorial Fund." 

(For their address, email: autumn.mcalpin@gmail.com)

Salt Lake City Memorial Service 

Friday, Sept. 30th

11:00 am 

Cottonwood 14th Ward

2080 East 5165 South

Salt Lake City, UT

The Hegewald Family

From friends of the Hegewalds...

We will all miss this wonderful man who leaves behind a legacy of hope, faith, and living life to its fullest. Thank you to everyone for all your love and support for the family.

In lieu of flowers, the family has set up a family trust.

You can donate to "The Kevin Hegewald Memorial Fund" at any Bank of America.

-or-

You can mail a check to Abby made out to: "Kevin Hegewald Memorial Fund."

(Please email autumn.mcalpin@gmail.com for their home address.)

The Fight Is Over

He fought the good fight, he finished the course, he kept the faith.

At 4:45 pm. tonight our dear husband, dad, son, brother, and friend returned to his heavenly home.  

How grateful we are for the knowledge we have that he still lives.

Thank you to all of you who have climbed this mountain with us.  I love you.

Kevin, you will be missed.

Adversity

Two weeks ago I sat down next to Kevin with a notepad and pen in hand, ready to write down all of the things he wanted to accomplish before leaving us.  Three.  That’s how many things were on his list.  (Really, there were 4, and should have been 5.  #4 was help me plan his “party” and #5 record his personal history - favorite memories of his life.  Yesterday I told him it wasn’t such a good idea leaving me and his mom to write his history because we will probably argue over the details.  Kevin said, “that’s ok, there are so many interpretations” (to someone’s life story).  That made me laugh.)  

Ever since starting this blog Kevin has wanted to post something on it.  It has been very challenging watching Kevin lose the use in both of his hands, as the ability to type, text, write, turn on his phone, hit his dilaudid bolus, and even eat, were stripped from him. I now realize that watching him struggle to breath is challenging, losing his hands - an inconvenience.  So this morning I am helping Kevin accomplish #3.  This post is from him.  It’s a topic that he has thought a lot about, and personally knows a lot about.  Always striving to comfort another, it’s a discussion that he had with a dear friend of ours who suddenly and recently lost her mother.  

Why do we suffer afflictions and adversity?  Here are some of my thoughts:

1.  Adversity, pain and suffering fullfills part of a much larger plan that we understood before we were born. 

As premortal spirit children of loving heavenly parents, we agreed upon a plan that would give all of us an opportunity to learn, reach, grow and ultimately return to a heavenly home after we had been tested in this life.  We knew that some of us would be called upon to experience certain trials.  For instance maybe we were able to choose the challenges that would bless our own lives and the lives of those around us.  When it comes to adversity and pain and suffering, it is not just about that person who is experiencing it.  Rather, like a pebble dropped in a pool creating ripples which impact wherever the water touches, so too can those who suffer adversity impact those around them.  Of course we don't remember any of these premortal plans but is it possible that we decided to be afflicted in some way, be born with Downs Syndrome, or be sexually/physically abused in this earth life because we felt strong enough to endure and make these trials a blessing?  In Isaiah 58:12 it speaks of those who will build up old places and will be called repairers of the breach and restorers of paths to dwell in.  Are there those placed in our lives or families who become "repairers of the breach" by their ability to endure well and understand and overcome certain terrible trials?  The ripples of the one called upon to experience adversity  will change the direction of entire family lines, neighborhoods, communities, nations (Ghandi, Mother Theresa, my parents, and the ultimate example being Jesus Christ).  

2.  Because of natural laws and randomness, pain, affliction and adversity will happen to people. 

God loves to create, He loves order and beauty.  Satan promotes disorder, chaos.  Satans influence is a part of the free agency and mortal realm in which we live.  Natural laws are allowed to play themselves out not because of anything we have done.  Rather there is a component of randomness in mortality that no one has control over.  That is because, as the scriptures teach us, this earth life is Satans dominion and He constantly strives for chaos, disorder, oppression, confusion, darkness, etc.  Cancer is definitely all of these things as are many aflflictions and sufferings.   This concept is found in the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". 

3. Adversity "stirreth up" a people into remembering the Lord.  

Whenever the path gets too easy we tend to depend in the arm of flesh instead of the Lord.   Said in a more harsh way, as quoted from a Book of Mormon prophet:  "Yea, and we may see at the very ^atime when he doth ^bprosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of ^cprecious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do ^dharden their hearts, and do ^eforget the Lord their God, and do ^ftrampleunder their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity.

  And thus we see that except the Lord doth ^achasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with ^bdeath and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not ^cremember him.

 O how ^afoolish, and how vain, and how evil, and devilish, and how ^bquick to do iniquity, and how slow to do good, are the children of men; yea, how quick to hearken unto the words of the evil one, and to set their ^chearts upon the vain things of the world!

 Yea, how quick to be lifted up in ^apride; yea, how quick to ^bboast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yea, how slow to ^cwalk in wisdom’s paths!"

4.  Adversity, pain and affliction is a result of bad choices we make.  When these choices are contrary to God's plan of happiness, the results are Satans plan- pain, suffering, chaos, etc. It is clear that the porn addict, alcoholic or gangsta have made choices that now have limited what they can do or become or experience.  I think this type of pain and suffering happens to everyone but in more subtle forms.

5.  We are sent to earth to be tested and proved herewith if we will do all the things the Lord asks of us (a little like #3)  But #5 does not imply that we have necessarily done anything wrong.  Rather, growth does not come but through trials and tribulations.  Even Christ (who was without sin) was tested, left alone to fend off the various temptations of Satan on his own.  This was in preparation for his ultimate mission on this earth life- to atone for the sins of all mankind.  Each person can look into their life and find adversity that has nothing to do with poor decision making on their part.  This is #5- one of the main reasons of life on earth is to be tested, to be proven, to grow and see if we will hold fast to the gospel of Christ despite what might be thrown our way. 

And lastly #6- Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have need for you in the spirit world.  There may be sons and daughters of God who have grown and learned things in mortality which are now needed to help brothers and sisters, currently living in the spirit world (a place between mortality and the final judgement) who need to be rescued by this particular individual.  Such adversity may be found in an untimely death of a high functioning, God fearing person in this earth life, or further trials which seem to be teaching someone who has had more than their share of adversity.  We all know someone like this.  It is as if we could ask- why does the pain and suffering have to continue?  Perhaps because a greater calling awaits this individual for when they cross through the veil of mortality into the spirit world where more work will be performed on brothers and sisters who are living as spirits (this state of being is referenced in the bible albeit sparsely 

( See 1 Corinthians 15:20-29 and 1 Peter 4:5,6, and Luke 23:39-43 and Matthew 16:16-19.  These scriptures give us glimpses on what happens to our spirits at death and the power that exists to seal things on earth and in heaven by those in authority).  

Now think of the influence your mother has living as a spirit in the spirit world (also referred to as a prison or paradise depending on what ordinances and steps were taken in following the gospel of Christ while here on earth and were then "sealed" to this person as mentioned in Matthew 16).  She can do the Lords bidding on a much grander scale to those on earth who are ready to hear and feel her influence.  This influence is the promptings of the still small voice or Holy Ghost. 

OK these are my 6 reasons for earthly adversity.  Our job is to endure our challenges well and hold fast to the iron rod of the gospel.  May we all prove worthy of the challenges that are placed before us.  Then we can say I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. 

Fight the good fight my friends! 

Kevin